Needing to write a memoir was one thing. But wanting to visit all the pain and shame and trauma, being naked and on display, and risking judgment and the possible disdain of readers—such wanting was hard to imagine. Would all that really be required, I wondered, in order to share my story with candor? It would. It did.
Terry Crylen – 20 November 2023
The Back Flap
In Pursuit of Radio Mom brings the reader tight to Crylen’s side as it traces her path from frequent and debilitating anxiety, loneliness, and shame; and beyond a dysfunctional marriage that mirrors the dynamics of her relationship with her mother, to the discovery of her authentic self and the happiness and fulfillment such a transformation brings. Radio Mom also illuminates the ways in which one generation impacts the next–– both wittingly and unwittingly––when later, while pressing along the difficult route of raising her own daughter, the author is challenged to confront, yet again, the legacy of her past.
As a book that also makes transparent the process of psychotherapy, the memoir’s message is this: the excavation of pain clears space within the mind and heart and affords the growth of new insight. It overturns fear and makes acceptance and forgiveness possible.
About the book
What is the book about?
My memoir, In Pursuit of Radio Mom, informed by my work as a clinical psychologist, explores the question, “How does the emotionally abandoned daughter of an emotionally abandoned mother learn to support her own child in a healthy way?” Through its bookending of motherhood, it is my journey about longing for the embrace of a mother who cannot reach back and how one generation––wittingly and unwittingly––impacts the next.
When did you start writing the book?
I began writing Radio Mom in 2018 after discarding a draft of a “professional” volume about troubled mother-daughter relationships, a book that was geared to reach my peer group of therapists, and oriented around (without intruding on their privacy), my work with patients.
However, after flipping through the pages of this “scholarly” manuscript, and reacting with boredom to what I had written, an earlier problem now became obvious to me: I saw that in having chosen to write with detachment, keeping my own personal information to a restrained minimum, I had failed to find the true voice of the book. I came to understand and accept why a standard “textbook” approach couldn’t possibly succeed: I’d be settling; choosing to “write safe,” which suddenly felt disingenuous to me.
How long did it take you to write it?
It took nearly four years to write my memoir, Radio Mom, and too many drafts to recall.
Where did you get the idea from?
The idea to write about mother-daughter relationships was bolstered by a career in which I helped many other women transform their lives—lives that were often overwhelmed by troubled emotions that traced back to their families of origin.
Nevertheless, It wasn’t until after jettisoning the draft of the “professional” book and consulting with a freelance editor who had considerable knowledge about women who had been emotionally “rejected” by their mothers that I found my writer’s footing. “What kind of book do you want to write?” she’d asked, and while I had yet to embrace wanting to write a memoir, I realized that a memoir was the kind of book I needed to write. My decision meant grappling with the thought of writing something so very personal––as had the editor, earlier in her writing career. It was a scary decision. But by accepting this challenge, I grew determined. Fiercely so.
Were there any parts of the book where you struggled?
I worried most about how my daughter would react to my writing about my struggles (and sometimes failures) to be a mother different than my own. Could she trust me to tell my story, without taking over hers?
I worried, too, about whether my siblings would feel that I had betrayed our mother. Would they tell me that I’d got it “all wrong?” Certainly, there was the possibility, the likelihood even, that some reactions from my family would be volatile. “How dare you?” described the opening volley I envisioned, one that might be followed by a barrage of sharp words mirroring those my mother had modeled for us all: words meant to “put me in my place.”
But for all the difficulties I faced, the most difficult aspect of the writing process was engaging repeatedly in what the editor I consulted (and then began working with) had described as the “required strip tease of memoir.” Needing to write a memoir was one thing. But wanting to visit all the pain and shame and trauma, being naked and on display, and risking judgment and the possible disdain of readers—such wanting was hard to imagine. Would all that really be required, I wondered, in order to share my story with candor? It would. It did.
What came easily?
Frankly, nothing about writing my memoir came easily. What spurred me on through the process, however, was the gratification I felt when I’d crafted a good sentence or a well-written scene; and my hope that what I was offering––a daughter’s insights about overturning fear, thus making acceptance and forgiveness possible––would resonate with my intended readers.
Are your characters entirely fictitious or have you borrowed from real world people you know?
As a memoir, everyone and everything described in Radio Mom is based on memories and perceptions rooted deeply in my past. But to explore the experiences that my mother and I had shared—and those we did not—as well as all the raw emotions that accompanied them, I had to first confront how the concept of emotional concealment––a skill that had been appropriate in my role as a therapist–– had deeper roots for me. “Hiding” this way had been my pattern as a child and then as an adolescent. It was one way to feel safe. But of course, the “striptease of memoir” required full emotional transparency: no “hiding” allowed.
Additionally, because it was important to respect the privacy of some individuals who appear in my story, pseudonyms were used to protect their identities. I did not, however, use composites (combining several people) to describe any one person.
We all know how important it is for writers to read. Are there any particular authors that have influenced how you write and, if so, how have they influenced you?
I love curling up with a beautifully written novel almost as much as I relish being able to lose myself in a compelling memoir: what I’m drawn to in each, are stories that not only capture a life, but which also have the power to crack open emotions inside me that catch me by surprise.
Among authors whose works I admire for their lyrical prose and vivid imagery, I include James Agee, Ray Bradbury, and Maggie O’Farrell. Memoirists who have influenced my writing are almost too numerous to count, but certainly, as models for creating scene, character, dialogue, and writing with authenticity, Mary Karr, Tobias Wolfe, Vivian Gornick, and yes, Maggie O’Farrell (again) rank high on my list.
Do you have a target reader?
Radio Mom was written for women who have been abandoned by their mothers in an emotional sense, or those who have abandoned their daughters (perhaps because they too were abandoned in just the same way). One of the book’s central messages is that it is indeed possible to disentangle oneself from the grasp of an inadequate mother. Likewise, mothers who grapple with an overwhelming desire to be a constant in their daughter’s life can come to realize that relinquishing such an intense hold on a daughter does not constitute the abandonment so many of us fear. Instead, it helps us to build strong and healthy relationships with the people we love.
About Writing
Do you have a writing process? If so can you please describe it? Do you edit as you go or wait until you’ve finished?
Structure and discipline probably best describe my own writing process. As an early riser, and someone who is blessed to have autonomy in how I schedule my day, I try to commit to four writing hours each morning, weekends excepted. As a classically trained psychotherapist, I learned to also trust the power of my unconscious to guide me with regard to what will end up on the page. As such, I do not outline, but I do take “field notes” about thoughts, emotions, and my dream life, and I’ve learned to sit patiently at my computer, allowing time and space for ideas and images to bubble up in my mind.
For reasons I don’t quite understand, some of my best insights about how to untangle problems I’m having in what I’m currently writing come while I’m standing in the shower. Maybe it’s the cascading water that wakens my brain, or the steam that blankets the room, but whatever the explanation, I consider “shower time” part of my writing routine.
I do edit as I write, but I try not to get bogged down in the editing at the expense of pushing the writing forward. I edit again when I’m finished. Then edit again and again.
Did you hire a professional editor?
As a writer, I believe that hiring a professional editor is essential, especially for anyone new to the craft. I had the amazing good fortune to work with acclaimed author Linda Gray Sexton, whose extraordinary editing skills proved invaluable when writing Radio Mom.
In answering this question, I’m reminded, too, of a columnist survey that I recently came across, one which first appeared in The New York Times (2014). “A good editor,” journalist David Carr wrote “is the enemy of clichés and tropes, but not the overburdened writer who occasionally resorts to them. Judgment, a good bedside manner, and an ability to conjure occasional magic in the space between writer and editor is rare, but can produce treasure.
Magic and treasure. Personally, I can attest that Linda Sexton routinely summoned up both.
Do you listen to music while you write? If yes, what gets the fingers tapping?
Sadly, I have yet to try listening to music while I write. I’d characterize myself as like a bicyclist who’s been trained to keep her helmet on at all times and her eyes on the road. Perhaps 2024 will be my “breakout year,” a time when I add a playlist to my routine.
About Publishing
Did you submit your work to Agents?
I did submit query letters to agents, although I was aware from the outset that the chances that my book would meet with success in the “traditional” publishing market were exceedingly slim, at best. What I learned from talking with agents and others in the publishing world is that there is little interest in publishing memoirs unless the writer is a celebrity or writing about a celebrity family member.
What made you decide to go Indie, whether self-publishing or with an indie publisher? Was it a particular event or a gradual process?
Early on in the process of pitching Radio Mom, I also began investigating “hybrid” publishers. What I discovered was that She Writes Press had an excellent reputation in the indie publishing world. After nine months of pitching my memoir to agents, I submitted my work to She Writes and Brooke Warner, its dynamic publisher welcomed me aboard. Like working with Linda Gray Sexton, connecting with SWP represented another stroke of good fortune.
Did you get your book cover professionally done or did you do it yourself?
Yes. Kudos to Julie Metz at She Writes Press for coming up with a terrific book cover design.
Do you have a marketing plan for the book or are you just winging it?
Oh my goodness, would anyone just “wing it” when trying to launch their precious book baby into the world? This mind you, spoken as someone who was petrified about the prospect of drawing up, let alone, executing a marketing plan. Nevertheless, an important lesson I’ve learned is that it is not nearly enough to have written a good story. Marketing is key: books don’t simply land in the hands of the reader on their own. As an introvert and someone who is not social media savvy, I knew I would need the help of a publicist to guide me through the process, so I invested in partnering with Wildbound PR, a public relations organization that specializes in working with authors.
Any advice that you would like to give to other newbies considering becoming Indie authors?
Pour yourself into your work and make a vow not to worry about what’s going to happen with your book. Such worry can be paralyzing to the process.
About You
A lifelong Chicagoan, Crylen is committed to supporting community efforts aimed at creating opportunities for the city’s economically disadvantaged youth and is an ardent supporter of the arts. Along with her husband, Phil, Terry is also a “frequent flyer,” devoted to maintaining strong ties with family––most of whom are scattered across the U.S. When not on the road or writing, she can be found hanging out with four-legged friends or with her nose in a good book.
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Get your copy of In Pursuit of Radio Mom from Amazon US or Amazon UK.
